In honour of Valentines Day. Can you recall, and share with us, the most romantic moment you have seen?
After my divorce, I had a friend who used to walk me to the shrink after work (approximately two miles out of his way). He did the best he could to understand me, and he never asked for anything in return. We never would’ve worked out, but this person cared enough to “try.” For me, “romance” is never just a moment. It’s so much more.
You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. When other people don’t get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak
This is my memoir. I’m editing it. I need to add the “Now” part. Do you know how hard it is to reflect on 5 years of predominantly self-induced torture? Time certainly heals, but the pain is very much alive.
I walk on a tightrope. I balance myself. I’m not in the circus although I entertain. I dress up, and I make people laugh. I make them feel too. Most don’t know it. It’s a special skill set. My charm is dangerous. Risk is the real attraction. Freedom’s there too. Everyday is an adventure. That’s the true draw. However, I don’t play to a demographic. You get what you see. The clarity and the wonderment The pain and the hurt The frequent, unpredictable slips. Support never lasts so I try not to use it. Help is expensive. There’s always a price. I learned the hard way. But it makes little difference. My mind is a torture chamber. I live in a constant state of flux. I envision a different life. But, I refuse to allow it. I can’t make it work. Hence, I walk on a tightrope. I know no other way.
This is 98% true: I have a meeting today at 4PM. I’m scared to death. When work really matters, I can always produce. Today is different. Guess it’s far more personal. But it’s still work. I think. Sigh.
Here’s the truth: I FUCKING hate the Steelers. Hate is an understatement. Loathe, Despise, Abhor.
Growing up, football had always been my nemesis. My dad has a limited window, and I could NEVER compete with a game. Don’t get me wrong, I love certain sports, but football is beyond my comprehension. This is mostly because of the clock. I have no idea why it even exists. It’s just a giant lie. Three minutes never means three minutes. In fact sometimes three minutes can turn into three hours. I can’t stand not gauging time. Hate it.
Fast forward. My ex husband is from Pittsburgh. Huge Steelers fan. We made the 7 or 8 hour trip a few times a year. I’m socially awkward, but I’m not mean. During our time in Pittsburgh, I regressed back to high school. I didn’t speak. Quite frankly, I couldn’t. The only topic discussed: the Steelers, the history of the terrible towel, Heinz ketchup. Almost like a broken record spinning over and over and over.
Could things have been different? Sure. But, they weren’t. I met a ton of people from this particular social circle. Their world revolves around two things: Oakmont (a prestigious golf club) and the Steelers. There’s an extensive, intrinsic pride that borders on xenophobia. It’s almost scary to watch. Amongst this circle, diversity does not exist. Maybe this is prevalent in most of America, but I truly hope not. Homogenous towns (of any sort) are so narrow and empty. Ugh. Memory lane is just that.
My friend Sarah is the most intelligent person I know. She’s also the least judgmental. Funny enough, back in law school, she helped me pass contracts. After I got a C on the midterm, I asked for her help. We met for one hour twice a week. I wound up getting an A+ on the final. The Professor didn’t change. I didn’t cheat. Bottom line, she speaks to me in a language I understand.
Yesterday we spent the day together. I haven’t seen her in quite sometime. Anyway, towards the end of our visit she showed me a quote she had framed. Here it is:
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." — Mother Teresa
I covered the last two sentences. For me, it makes more sense. Sarah didn’t disagree.
For the next two weeks, my life is in limbo. This is because I have a huge project pending review. I’d like to say I’m totally detached, but that’s probably the worst lie ever so I’ll refrain.
Bottom line, I’m a moving trainwreck.I hate being dependent on others. Perhaps I should not have put myself in this situation, but life is tricky. I made the best decision possible weighing an overwhelming amount of options.
As cliche as this sounds, I don’t want to get hurt. I know it’s a part of life. I know I can learn and grow and all that bullshit, but sometimes that’s not what I’m after. I don’t want to conform. I’ve done it countless times, and I always feel terrible.
Just this once, I truly hope this person appreciates my vision and doesn’t make me feel like the biggest loser on the planet. Trust me, it’s happened more times than I care to remember, and right now, I have too much invested.
Thanks for the encouragement, Wendy! Sometimes i think it's my lack of being upside down and in the air these days that makes me depressed and anxiety ridden. back then i never had nerves, fear or depression. Has there been a time in your life when you felt carefree and sincerely happy? What made it so?
October 2001 - February 2002. I can’t get into the details, but the aftermath had predominantly self-imposed, devastating consequences. After that, I shut down. I’ve never known sincere happiness that hasn’t been followed by crippling pain. Hence, fantasy world. Detachment plays a role.
Although Twitter reads from the bottom up, I’m making this read from the top down because I’m a rebel:
WriteWendy: What’s going on America? When did it become “ok”to bring a gun to school. In a back pack?! For show n tell? Come on! about 9 hours ago via TweetDeck
AgStateSense: @WriteWendy True. Guns should be worn on the hip, or slung across the back (if it’s a rifle). By all. Then idiots wouldn’t shoot people. about 19 hours ago via Seesmic Web in reply to WriteWendy
WriteWendy: The dumb SHOULD NOT RERPODUCE, right @AgStateSense? Also, the sick, the ugly. the mentally ill… stop me at anytime. about 19 hours ago via TweetDeck
AgStateSense: @WriteWendy I don’t know; I’m not so sure intelligence is hereditary. Besides, the world needs artists and ditch-diggers, too. about 19 hours ago via Seesmic Web in reply to WriteWendy
Write Wendy: I’m pretty sure MANY truly intelligent folks ARE ditch-diggers @AgStateSense! about 19 hours ago via TweetDeck
AgStateSense: @WriteWendy True. They’ve been denied the opportunity to reach potential, probably by state-run school systems. about 19 hours ago via Seesmic Web in reply to WriteWendy
“Parochial” graduates don’t dig ditches @AgStateSense? Interesting. about 19 hours ago via web
AgStateSense: @WriteWendy I’m not sure what “parochial graduates” are. I simply believe the gov’t should stay out of the education business. about 19 hours ago viaSeesmic Web in reply to WriteWendy
WriteWendy: On a scale of one to Glenn Beck, how RIGHT are you @AgStateSense? about 19 hours ago via TweetDeck
AgStateSense: @WriteWendy I really don’t consider Glenn all that RIGHT, so I guess I’m past him. about 19 hours ago via Seesmic Web in reply to WriteWendy
Twitter Status: My voicemail is full. I'm lonely, but I still can't listen to familiar noise.
I fucking hate it when people equate loneliness and desperation. The two are unrelated. Loneliness doesn’t mean I’m looking for love. Truth be told, I’m barely looking for friendship. If the latter happens that’s great, but right now, I’m battling my mind and my demons. I’m doing the best I can to formulate a new life, and I’m sharing my struggles publicly mostly because I don’t trust my own assessment skills.
As delusional as this may sound I still use fantasy as an extremely twisted coping mechanism. (Side Note: Fuck You Disney). I like to think my online friends watch out for me. I know this is not possible, but is it so wrong to hope someone out there may catch something I miss?
More importantly is admitting loneliness really so terrible? Based upon the DM’s I’ve received this evening, it sure fucking feels that way.